I have another doctors appointment tomorrow. Apparently this will be the person who will confirm my diagnosis and do med management. I don’t know what to think about all that has changed in the past month. It has shaken me up to know that I have something like this. I know I couldn’t have prevented it but I haven’t taken the best care of my body. Lately I have been careful of what I have eaten. I am not sure if it has helped me lose weight or not but people are saying I have. Oh well…

I gave Teresa a Boston Terrier for her birthday. She has been talking about getting a puppy for several months and said she would get one for Christmas. It was a surprise for her but after blindfolding her for the trip the joke was on me. The guy selling the puppies sold all of his boston terriers and just had fox terriers. It was a waste of time despite getting major kudos for my attempt. We got one the next day from a very nice old lady. Maddy Lynn Johnson is going to be a mess. Despite good intentions from the girls of the house I don’t foresee the puppy being well-behaved. They don’t seem to listen to me so I guess they will just have live with the consequences for 10 or so years. LOL

Work is work. Same old stuff with the kids. Less drama concerning me. Major differences with faculty. It is what it is. I spoke with a counselor at CHS. I think someone is retiring. I am contemplating going back home. I think it will come with hardships but I miss my karate people and other significant people in my life. I don’t like being so far away. If the opportunity presents itself I will make the choice on what is best with me and my life. Time will tell.

The past 7 days have worn me out. I know it has taken a toll on Teresa as well as Abby. As you have read in my past couple of post I haven’t been feeling so well. I have some type of autoimmune disease. The doctors have an idea of what kind which is good. I hope they can confirm what it is so i can get treatment and feel better. I hope my body will get relief and gain energy soon. Regardless I had an amazing weekend of doing nothing but have a good time just the same.

I tried to see my doctor this morning but they wouldn’t see me until 2:20 so i decided I would go to the er. They pumped me with bendryl and more steroids through an IV (it took 5 sticks to get me). The rash has gone down some but not much. Now I am have more steriods pills sooooooooooo I hope it will away. Once it does my new mission is to determine what is causing it. So…there is my update.

If you could please say a little prayer for me. I have developed the same rash as I did in May. This time we know it can’t be blamed on sunscreen. Last time the doctor said they would send me to infectious diseases. I don’t care where they send me as long as the rash goes away and I get my energy back. I’ll keep ya posted.

Take my heart, and wring it out
In Your hands and watch it all collapse
Take Your Love, and drive it in
Into my soul, and never leave again…because

I am so afraid that I’ll find myself alone
Looking for a savior, looking for a home
I am so afraid that I’ll find myself alone
Looking for a savior, Lookin for a home
So don’t leave me here alone

All Your hope, and all my pride
All this time to watch it all collide
When everyone seems to say, “You can work it out”
Under my skin, I’m shaking and I can’t get out

So don’t leave me here

This is not what You’ve said; it’s all in my head
And I throw my anger at You instead
So don’t give up on me, I want to believe
That You’ll never leave me, but…

I am so afraid that I’ll find myself alone
Looking for a savior, looking for a home
I am so afraid that I’ll find myself alone
Deep into the ages, deep into the fold
I am so afraid that I’ll find myself alone
Looking for a savior, looking for a home
So don’t leave me here alone

My first year as a school counselor is over. There have been many things that have occurred this year. Many lessons have been learned. I have made new friends and gained a new perspective on what I want and who I am. The students have helped validate a battle I must fight. I have an understanding even in a rural town people are able to see me as me. Yet, I have also been reminded others cannot see much expect who I love. Either way I will continue to remain true to who I am and remind myself it does not matter if my love is seen as normal.

I have no idea what will happen in the year to come. In many aspects I do not want this next year to come. I have many reservations. Yet, I can not prevent time from passing. It will continue. I wonder what I will and will not have control over. I don’t feel I will have much control at all. For the past few weeks I have tried to “let it go” as the motto of our front office and not stress my future. I don’t have the answer or solution. However, I remain hopeful God will find a way. Maybe He can overlook my wrong doings and forgive me…to see my intentions…to see the beauty…just maybe He will give me my heart’s desire…our hearts’ desire. Time will tell. It is out of my hands. Until then I will continue on my current journey taking a risk for my as what I see as my chance of a lifetime…as my gift. For what it is worth…those are my thoughts…a few of my pieced together thoughts.

It is a simple life that makes my heart smile. I have  needed to have simple in the last few weeks of work and school. My simple moments… It is an email from a 10 year that sneaks on his mother’s email to find my address and phone number. Yet he does not ask questions of what has happened. He just wants to be around the person who makes him feel special. Yet, he is the one who gives love and acceptance to me. Simplicity comes from a 6 year old who holds on to me wanting me to stay in bed and giggle as she falls asleep. However, I know good and well she will never go to sleep with me in her bed. It is a teenager who tends to plop down on me just because she wants to give me a hard time. This is her way of saying she loves having me around. Its the best dog in the world with her floppy easter bunny as she gently nibbles away. It is the moments we can have together when no one is around. It is a look which makes me tingle all over. It is the moments you let me see your soul and kiss the tears away. It is the moment when a student gets excited to see a familar face in the mall. It is the love, understanding and acception from my cookville friends of my new life.  It is my father’s ability to listen to my words and all the feelings I have felt. It is my mother who has been understanding of my struggles but encourages me to take the higher road. It is knowing it is all going to be ok. I see peace in my future. Simple moments…moments I will cherish. They might last only a second but I will savor it with all I have.

“The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity” Ludwig Wittegenstein

Do you hear me?
Talking to you
Across the water
Across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky
Oh my, baby I’m trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ohhhohhhohhhohhohhohhhohh

They don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you, I promise you I will

Lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I’m sailing through the sea
To an island where we’ll meet
You’ll hear the music fill the air
I’ll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through the trees
Move so pretty, you’re all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

What is there to be said…2009 has already be a year of many new experiences. My life has taken a completely different turn. Although there have been challenges so many blessings have been given to me. I am very fortunate for my life changes. I have experienced a love, respect, understanding and passion I didn’t know could occur.

My life really has evolved into so much more. It isn’t about me. I have 3 precious and beautiful girls in my life. I guess I will never be meant to love just one. HA!  It is nice to have my heart be filled with such happiness.

I really think the puzzle of life is coming together. I do not know exactly what the picture will be on the puzzle but I do know we all just fit. It just is that simple. There are some pieces I want to bring into the picture and maybe a completely new piece one day. Who knows what my life will be in a month, 2 years, 766 days, or 20 years. Either way all will be good. I know I will not have to sacrifice who I am and what I want to become.  I also know each of my girls will be given the same opportunity to be themselves and loved without conditions. This is what I have to offer them. Ok…well I also have a lot of giggles, tickles, laughs and plenty of time and attention to give as well.

Good song…i heard it at my parents church over the weekend.

A thousand times I’ve failed Still your mercy remains And should I stumble again Still I’m caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame my heart and my soul, Lord I give you control Consume me from the inside out

Lord Let justice and praise become my embrace To love You from the inside out Your will above all else, my purpose remains The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control Consume me from the inside out Lord Let justice and praise become my embrace To love You from the inside out

Chorus 2x Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out